


The Consequences of Wooing

by Gwendolynn_C



Series: Wooing William J Poindexter [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Coming Out, Discussions of Self Harm, Discussions of Suicidal Thoughts, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Pedophilia and Cleric Abuse, Non-binary character, Not Canon Compliant, Summer Vacation, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:23:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwendolynn_C/pseuds/Gwendolynn_C
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will woke up to a group email from his Mom asking for prayers for Regina. Her doctors were recommending she stay at the clinic for another six weeks. He didn’t say a prayer and he didn’t talk to Nursey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again a big thank you to DaZeli for being my first reader! Also thank you to Audiaphilios for beta reading and offering me encouragement! So this is a little different: longer, more characters, Dex's POV.
> 
> Non-Canon because this was written prior to Jack and Bitty coming out at Jerry's

“Your junior year is going to be incredibly important for you, William,” Coach Murray said, a grim look on his face “as an upperclassman you’re going to start attracting the attention of scouts, so you and Derek are going to have to step up as D-men.”

Will made a face, not quite following where they were headed with this. He was pissed at himself for getting an injury in the frozen four. The team had managed without him, Will wasn’t under any delusion that he was an essential team member. But he couldn’t help but think that if his ankle hadn’t gotten fucked up, Samwell would be NCAA champions.

“You have a tendency to overexert yourself.” Murrary said flatly. “Spend the summer recuperating, do your physical therapy and listen to your doctors. We want you back in performance condition by August. I don’t want to put too much pressure on you, but if you overexert yourself now it could put a damper on your whole career. And that’s the last thing any of us want.”

“Sorry.” Will fiddled with the armpit pad on his crutches. “I don’t think I’m understanding. You’re talking like I have a chance to get drafted after graduation but that’s not-”

“Not what you want to do?” Murray looked surprised.

“Not possible.” Will finished. “I know I’m good but I’m not _that_ good.”

“You are that good.” Murray replied firmly. “Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of time right now, and I know you’re heading out early tomorrow so we can talk more about career options at the beginning of next school year. But I want you to know, without a doubt, if your ankle heals well and you push yourself next year, you’re looking at a hockey as a career not just as a scholarship opportunity. You’re an excellent player William.”

Murray stood, shook Will’s hand and then left, hefting a large cardboard box full of files and doodads from his office. Will watched him in a slight haze. He’d started playing hockey when he was twelve, which was a lot older than most of the other guys on the team. He hadn’t been captain back home either and his team had never won a lot of games. Freshman year had been a disaster trying to get along with Nursey. Sophomore year had started well and ended in an injury and… confusion.

That’s what Will liked to call it: The Confusion. Capital letters aside, the phrase seemed less intimidating than what had actually happened between him and Nursey.

His phone whistled at him. Nursey’s text tone.

 

**Derek: u packed yet?**

**Derek: bittys goin nuts. asked if i packed enough undies**

**Derek: come to the haus. save me!**

 

_ You: You’re a strong independent man, Nursey. I think you can handle a tiny Southerner. _

**Nurse: fucking jack is on his side! backing up everything he says with an nhl level captain glare! i am just 1 soul i cannot handle this**

 

_You: LMAO. Where's Chowder?_

**Nurse: where r U?**

_You: Be there as soon as I can. I’m crutching from the Faber. Murray wanted to talk before he left._

**Nurse: u in trouble?**

_You: Only if I don't heal by August_

**Nurse: fuck u kno that's right.**

**Nurse: i need u**

**Nurse: like. i need u on the ice**

**Nurse: and i need u in the haus right now! HURRY!**

 

Will chuckled, pocketed his phone, and began the trek back to the Haus. He and Nursey had… _well…_ after Easter break and in the weeks that followed things froze over between them. It was a good thing! Will had wanted to take space. He'd asked for it. They had both needed it. He just hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He’d expected the guilt. He’d expected the confusion. He hadn’t expected feeling honest to God heartache.

Then one day, it was like the sun came out and suddenly things were good. Somewhere, during a particularly long roadie something fell into place. It was like their encounter after Easter break never happened and that was honestly so much better. Actually being able to talk to Nursey was more important than remembering warm hands on hotter skin and kisses that burned hell. They argued but the sting of their comments was all but gone. It was more like intense chirping than an actual argument. Talking with Nursey and texting him and going for runs with him and and studying side by side. Nearly every time they made eye-contact, a smile spread across Nursey’s face. And Will always smiled back. There was nothing wrong with smiling at a friend, after all. It didn’t hurt.

In late April, after a brutal practice, they got into it with Chowder. Chowder was throwing shade like the meanest of suburban moms. Will and Nursey teamed up against him but were barely able to keep up. It got to the point that Ransom and Holster got involved, threatening to pull the captain card because they were concerned their frogs were crossing lines. Everything was fine though, Chowder, Nursey and Will had finally found a perfect dynamic in the art of talking shit. It was beautiful. At the end of the day, as Will was drifting off to sleep he let his mind wander to his Nursey related Confusion and thought maybe, maybe he could bring it up with Nursey. Maybe just forgetting about it was doing them both a disservice. Maybe they could try to make something out of their mistake of a hook up.

Will woke up to a group email from his Mom asking for prayers for his cousin Regina. Her doctors were recommending she stay at the clinic for another six weeks. He didn’t say a prayer and he didn’t talk to Nursey.

Regina: WILL! MY DARLING BOY! I'm going home tomorrow so they gave me phone back!

Regina: How are you? I miss you so much 

  _You: I'm fine. But how are you? Are you excited? Nervous?_

Regina: Nah. I'm gonna kick ass in the real world

_You: You definitely will! I'm sorry I'll miss your homecoming. But I'll be in Maine in a week._

Regina: Boo! Your Mom said you were done with exams!

_You: I'm spending a week in RI at the beach with friends_

Regina: Oh how fancy! spending a week at the beach with your college friends

Regina: Seriously, have fun tho

Regina: I'll face the family on my own I suppose...

 

“Bro.” Shitty said, dropping a brownie into his lap. “Pot is so good for pain.”

“I’m not in any pain.” Will replied drily, pocketing his phone and all thoughts of his favorite cousin. “And for some odd reason I don’t want to attempt walking with crutches while high.”

“Dude. If you need to go anywhere, I’ll just carry you.” Nursey replied, smile wide and eyes slightly glazed over.

Will shoved his shoulder good-naturedly. “I’ll avoid that too. I don’t need you dropping my ass.”

“I am strong!” He protested.

Will laughed and grabbed another slice of pie. It was apple and maple sugar, no doubt because Jack was in town. Bitty hadn’t stopped celebrating Jack getting the Calder since it had been announced and now that Jack was actually in the Haus his excitement had only tripled.

“Are all of you high already?” Bitty asked, entering the room with Jack trailing behind him. His face was flushed, probably from pulling cookies out of the oven.

“No.” Will replied amongst a chorus of ‘yes’s.’

“Listen. It’s just the nine of us left in the Haus. Tomorrow we’re going to the beach. And celebrating is important.” Lardo said, adjusting herself in Shitty’s lap so that she was resting against his chest. Finals had _not_ treated their team manger well and Will was glad that Lardo was relaxing and enjoying herself. It was obvious that there was… something between her and Shitty, but everyone was staying out of it. They were adults. They could handle themselves.

There was a thunderous banging on the stairs and Chowder appeared, Shark’s duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He dropped his bag by the door and dropped his butt in the living room, next to Ransom and Holster.

“Oh good, We’re all here.” Jack sat down, legs stretched out in front of him. “Um, listen. Bitty and I have something to tell y’all.”

The ‘y’all’ hit the group like a tidal wave and he and Bitty immediately had their undivided attention.

 

* * *

 

 

 _You:_   _Bro. How’s the ‘party bus’?_

**Derek: jaja fuck u**

_ You: Seriously though, it can’t be worse than Jack’s SUV. They’re holding hands over the stick shift! _

**Derek: gross but party bus is worse! the only thing holtz has said all day is ‘shut the fuck up’**

_ You: Yikes. Even Chowder’s light has faded over here. His flow is all droopy and I want to chirp him but something tells me not to. _

**Derek: think beach week is ruined?**

_ You: If I thought that I would have called my uncle and asked him to come take me home today. But nah, I think we just need time to adjust. Jack and Bitty kinda dropped a bomb on us last night. _

**Derek: still can’t believe they’ve been dating for a FUCKING year and didn’t tell us**

_ You: You know they had their reasons. I’m glad they told us now. _

**Derek: probably only so they could dibs the master bedroom at the beach house**

_ You: That was harsh. _

_ You: Jack’s planning on being the first out NHL player. Cut them some slack. _

**Derek: ok ok sorry**

**Derek: hey do you think s’more pie is a thing?**

_ You: Give me a sec _

_ You: Bitty says s’more pie is an abomination. Jack gave him a look. Bitty has promised to make us s’more pie after we hit a Stop and Shop _

**Derek: Niiiiiceee**

**Derek: Now ask Jack if we can all have season’s tickets next year**

_ You: You’re an asshole. I’m not doing that. _

**Derek: You can’t see it but I’m making a pouty face**

_ You: Don’t worry, I can sense it. _

**Derek: creepy**

_ You: Stop making that disgusted face. _

**Derek: VERY CREEPY**

_ You: Not as creepy as Cabin In the Woods _

**Derek: i am NOT watching that movie**

_ You: You will. It’s not that scary it’s funny. _

**Derek: same way AHS is funny? i’m never trusting u with netlfix night again**

_ You: You need a cultural intervention. _

**Derek: me?? when was the last time u looked at a poem?**

 

‘Last time I looked at your face.’ Will puts his phone without sending that last text. He has _got_ to get a grip. They’re pulling up to the beach house anyway. It’s a nice house with faded blue siding, surrounded by woods. He can smell the ocean through the open windows and remembers that Jack said it was a two minute walk to the beach. He’s still a little shocked that Jack rented this place for a week. When he and Bitty had proposed the idea, Jack had said something awkwardly cheesy about how he’d never have made it into the NHL without his team and that with a year’s distance he didn’t feel bad about having favorites. Of course they’d all latched onto the idea immediately: with three of them graduating this year no one was really sure when they’d all get to spend time together again. Of course this whole plan made more sense with the perspective that Jack and Bitty were dating. They’d want to spend time together without worrying about paparazzi or speculation and so they brought along seven of their closest friends. How convenient that they’d said yes.

 _Follow your own advice and stop being a dick._ Will mentally reprimanded himself. Did it hurt that Jack and Bitty had been so secretive, only being honest when it was convenient to them? Sure. Did he blame them? No. But Will was used to forgiving people while feeling hurt. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Besides, he was happy for them. And getting a most-expenses paid for week at the beach with his favorite people? He was _not_ going to complain about a proper vacation.

The inside of the house was fairly impressive; it was all clean and brightly painted walls and ocean themed décor. The kitchen was enormous and decked out with shiny KitchenAid appliances that Bitty immediately started cooing over. Ransom and Holster claimed the loft right away and Jack wordlessly moved his and Bitty’s things into the master bedroom. Nursey shot Will a look. Will ignored him.

“Where are you bunking, Nurse?” Will asked.

“With Shitty and you, I guess.” He replied. “Lardo claimed Chowder as a roomie because she says he’s the tidiest.”

“He is!” Lardo interrupts, slipping her shoes off at the front door and coming inside. She stares at the floorplan which the homeowners have generously tacked to the wall and frowns. “The description online said this sleeps six to ten but there’s only four beds left.”

“Couch in the TV room is a foldout.” Bitty explains. “It’s supposed to be comfy but we can buy an air mattress when we go grocery shopping.”

In the end, Will volunteers to take the fold-out couch. It _is_ comfy and it’s right next to the bathroom, meaning he won’t have far to crutch if he needs to pee in the middle of the night. Jack, Shitty, and Bitty volunteer to go to Stop n Shop while everyone else settles in. Settling in, of course, meaning playing Sardines as a way to discover what will be their home for the next week.

The game is difficult with the crutches and Murray’s warning not to stretch himself echo in the back of Will’s head, but he ignores it. He especially ignores it when he’s squashed inside the garden shed and Nursey pulls him into his lap so Lardo won’t see them through the dusty window. Once the coast is clear Will readjusts so his boot isn’t digging into calf anymore. Nursey makes an exaggerated frowny face and squeezes Will’s thigh in apology. It’s a nice gesture – completely platonic. And it makes perfect sense for Will to spend the rest of the game in Nursey’s lap because the shed really is small. The homeowners must hire people to do their lawn work.

“Did you hear that?” Nursey breathes into his hair.

“Um.”

“Yeah. Sounds like they’re back.”

“Oh.” Will focuses on the sounds outside of shed, ignoring the thumping of his heart, and hears Bitty’s unmistakable southern accent calling out instructions. “We should probably help unload the car. A week’s worth of food is a _lot._ ”

“But what if the game isn’t over?” Nursey’s arm tightens around his waist. When did it even get there in the first place?

Will clears his throat. “Nurse let me up.”

“Fine.” He grumbles, helping Dex shift onto the floor and then gripping his arm to get him back on his feet. He hands Dex his crutches from where they lay abandoned on the dusty floor. “But you’re not doing any heavy lifting. You’re an invalid.”

“Fuck off.”

“Coach Murray agrees with me.”

“Yeah for once in your life. Mister ‘Coach, listen to my idea for a play: if we just spout Shakespeare at the other team.’”

“That was _not_ my suggested strategy.”

“Nursey,” Bitty waves him over. “Be a dear and take these bags in. Dex can you tell Lardo I found a rice cooker over the stove? And tell Jack to stop dawdling and get his butt over here. He’s the one who insisted on buying flour in bulk and so he’s just going to have to take care of it himself.”

“Sure thing.”

The kitchen floor is a minefield of groceries and everyone is chatting, slowly finding a spot for everything.

Dex sits at the table and starts sorting the boxes of pasta. “Jack, your boyfriend wants your ass. He’s waiting outside.”

Nursey snorts. “He didn’t say that. Bitty said, ‘tell Jack to stop dawdling and get his butt over here.’ And then he threatened to make you take care of yourself.”

“Alright, alright.” Jack leaves, the tips of his ears a little pink. And it’s funny to see their old Captain, who was always so composed, get flustered over a little chirping – over Bitty, their tiniest teammate.

“Oh, and there’s a rice cooker over the stove.” Dex adds. “Whatever that is.”

Lardo must know because her eyes go wide and jumps on Shitty’s back so she can reach the cupboard. “Fuck yeah!”

“Oh yeah!” Shitty says, setting her down and bringing down a machine that looks like a tiny, fancy crockpot. “There was this little Asian market and I got us rice noodles and-”

Will tunes them out, the only thing he could add to that conversation would be to mention that he’s cooked rice in a pot on the stovetop more times than he could count. The rice had always turned out well, but he has a feeling Lardo would disagree. After they get all the food put away she kicks everyone, save Chowder out of the kitchen. Chowder and Lardo almost cry at the sight of all the food they need to make their favorite Vietnamese and Chinese dishes. They’re happily chatting back and forth about similarities and differences in Vietnamese and Chinese food. They create a smorgasbord of food for lunch, too much for even them to eat. They save the lunch leftovers and eat it for dinner. They praise Lardo and Chowder thoroughly for the delicious meals and Chowder blushes. Nursey chirps him for it and Dex joins in.

 

They end the night with beer, Cards Against Humanity and, as promised, pies made completely out of chocolate bars, graham crackers and marshmallow.

“I can’t believe I’m actually saying this y’all.” Bitty intoned gravely, setting the pies on the coffee table in the living room. “But I hope you like the s’more pie.”

“Thank you Bitty!” Nursey throws his arms around Bitty in a huge hug. Later through a mouthful of pie and a frankly _obscene_ moan, he adds. “This is seriously the best thing to have happened to me in a long time.”

Bitty’s face goes all sympathetic and he pats Nursey’s arm. “Bless your heart, in that case I don’t mind at all.”

Will makes a split second decision and tries to meet Nursey’s eyes. Has Nursey been doing poorly recently? Feeling down? Did he go through some secret, awful tragedy? Will makes a ‘you okay?’ face at him. He _knows_ Nursey sees it but Nursey won’t meet his eyes for the rest of the night.

Has Nursey shared something with Bitty that he hadn’t felt comfortable sharing with him, his D-man and best friend (outside of, but maybe including, Chowder)? His thoughts go back to that first day after Easter break when they… hooked up. The term makes him cringe because it wasn’t like _that._ It wasn’t just some random, thoughtless fuck, but how else could he describe it really?

“Dex! Put down a card.” Ransom nudges him, bringing him out of his reverie.

Will doesn’t even look at the black card, just throws down _‘Geese.’_ because that works for just about everything. He shoves all thoughts of Nursey, of his mouth and his perfect skin and his great hair and his hands (fuck, his hands are glorious; large and strong and calloused but gentle). Nope. He shoved away all thoughts of Nursey and drank more beer and chirped Jack and Bitty with everyone else when Bitty called Jack ‘handsome.’ Eventually everyone started wandering to their chosen beds.

Jack and Bitty stayed back to help him set up the fold-out bed. Bitty triple checked that he didn’t need anything and when they left, they left holding hands and whispering to each other. The way they are with each other is such a sudden shift from how he’s seen them for the past year. It’s obvious they’ve been holding back. And both of them look happier than Will has ever seen them – had ever really thought a couple could _be_ with each other. It… it’s difficult to process. Will drinks more beer. He accidentally butt-texts his cousin and sends an apology. He thinks that he accidentally butt-texts Chowder too but leaves it alone. He takes some pain reliever and just goes to bed.

 

_ (to: Regina) asjkkjhffff,,, _

_ (to: Regina) Sorry! Love you! TTYL _

  
_ (to: Derek) The last time I saw your face. _

  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dex and Nursey talk. Finally. It doesn't go the way either boy expects or wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the tags for possible triggers. This chapter gets a bit heavy so please be aware: there will be a conversation about self-harm and suicidal thoughts as it pertains to Dex's cousin Regina. There will also be a very long conversation about internalized homophobia that will include mentions of pedophilia, cleric abuse and rape (though none of the characters are actual victims of these crimes). Unfortunately, these conversations are vital to the story line, if you want to know what's happened without reading the chapter, you can contact me on tumblr.

Will’s first thought upon waking is that he kind of wants to murder someone, preferably his past self for going to bed schwasted. Dawn is just breaking, its pale light streaming through the sheer curtains of the living room and Will knows there’s no way he’s falling back asleep anytime soon. He hobbles to the bathroom and opens up the cabinet above the sink hoping to find something for his aching head and ankle and back and eyes. He finds painkillers, to his immense joy, and small paper cups. He sits on the toilet, swallows three pills and lazily fills and drains tiny cup after tiny cup full of water. When he’s finally hydrated enough to feel human, he hobbles back to the foldout couch flops onto it, desperate for a few more hours of sleep before the whole house wakes up. He checks his phone, but it died, so he just stares up at the ceiling, thinking about everything and nothing, until his swirling thoughts pull him back under and into sleep.

When Will wakes up again, it’s to the unmistakable sound of Bitty baking. His stomach growls loudly at the thought and so he gets up and crutches into the kitchen. Bitty’s just getting started, assembling eggs and milk and various vegetables on the counter. He rubs his eyes and yawns when Will enters, then smiles warmly.

“Morning Dex, sleep well?”

“Yeah, mostly. Want some help getting breakfast started?”

“That’s awfully kind of you. Why don’t you set about getting these vegetables chopped? I’m making a frittata so they need to be bite-sized pieces, alright?”

“Sounds good. How many frittatas are you going to have to make to feed all of us?”

“Oh bless your heart, I’m not just making y’all frittata. I’m going to get some sausage gravy going and I’ve got some biscuits rising. Oh and after you’ve chopped the vegetables, can you slice up some fruit for a fruit salad? And there’ll be pancakes and bacon as always. Honestly, Dex, it’s like you don’t know me at all.”

Dex laughed and shot him an apologetic look. “I just thought that since it’s the summer you might not want to do as much work, this is a vacation for you too, Bitty.”

“Oh I know. And because it’s summer and the off season I’m also making some peach and cherry turnovers because Jack can’t tell me no.” Bitty smiled mischievously. “The frittata is to appease him though, it’s gonna be so full of protein it’s gonna knock his socks off.”

Bitty looks almost angrily determined as he breaks eggs into a bowl and whisks them together. He’s wearing a worn out Samwell shirt that hangs loosely on his shoulders and Falconers boxers that fall almost to his knees. It takes Will a second to realize that Bitty’s pajamas are actually Jack’s clothes. Which is normal and fine because Jack and Bitty are dating and sharing the master bedroom.

Will finishes chopping the vegetables in silence and slides them to the edge of the table for Bitty to use when he’s ready.

“So, uh,” Will clears his throat as he reaches for the carton of strawberries that need hulling. “You and Jack?”

It’s probably the lamest way to start a conversation ever but Bitty just smiles contentedly. “That’s right.”

“I thought – um, how many people know about it? Not that I’m gonna tell anyone, I’m just, curious I guess.”

“Well y’all know and George knows, she’s the assistant GM for the Falconers. She and her wife are so sweet, they had Jack and I over for dinner at the end of the season. Alexei knows too, Tater, that is. He’s been a good friend to Jack so we told him last week. He took us out for celebratory drinks. Oh, and Jack’s parents know, I spent Christmas with them, after all.”

Will remembers that but Bitty seems to be leaving out two important people. “You haven’t told your parents yet?”

Bitty’s turned away from Will, focused on stirring gravy, but his shoulders visibly tense. “No. Not yet. We’re gonna tell them this summer though, when Jack visits for the Fourth.”

“Are you scared to come out?” Will asks quietly, then shakes his head and gets a grip. “Sorry, ignore me. That’s an awful question to ask and–”

“Dex.” Bitty cuts him off and turns to face him. “I’m scared every single time. Even though I have support from Jack and his parents and all of y’all and even though I’m not ashamed, I’m scared every single time. But it’s worth it every single time.”

Will takes a moment to figure out the best response but it turns out he doesn’t need one. Ransom and Holster stumble into the kitchen and Will quickly returns to chopping fruit, hoping Bitty will just drop the subjects of relationships and coming out.

“Holy fuck Bitty, it smells like heaven in here.” Ransom says, pouring two mugs of coffee.

“Are you going to make us brunch every day?” Holster asks. “Because if so, you’re worthy of, like, knighthood or something.”

Bitty just smiles and continues cooking. “This _is_ a vacation, boys, of course we’re gonna have brunch every morning.”

“We’re gonna take turns helping you every morning.” Will chimes in and shoots a meaningful look at Ransom and Holster who both nod. “Brunch for 9 hungry people is a lot and we can all pitch in.”

“Y’all are sweet.” Bitty hums.

As Bitty turns out completed dish after completed dish, the house slowly wakes up. Jack comes inside, covered in sweat and out of breath after his morning run and greets Bitty with a chaste kiss. Dex looks away, missing his own morning run habits.

Nursey’s the last one awake, entering the kitchen as everyone’s discussing the day’s plan. He sizes up the kitchen blearily, seeming confused, until Will points him in the direction of the coffeemaker.

“I had Bitty set some food aside for you.” Will tells him. “It’s on the counter by the microwave.”

Nursey just stares at him. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“Uh…” Will racks his brain, trying to figure out what Nursey might want from him. “You’re welcome for saving your breakfast from the hungry hounds from hell?”

Nursey’s mouth twists into a tight frown. “Right.”

Will shakes him off, Nursey tends to be grumpy in the morning. The plan today is to go to a park that used to be an airfield that had some historical significance. It takes them a couple hours, especially with Nursey acting like someone had pissed in his coffee, but they eventually get together a picnic lunch and split into the two cars to drive to the park.

Regina: Tell me I deserve a new dress

_You: Oh my god. You definitely deserve a new dress! Celebrate your victories and buy a dress!_

Regina: K thanks. They've taken me on a Girl's Afternoon. 

Regina: My mom, my step-mom, your mom, Grandma, my half-sisters and every girl cousin who's in town

_You: Wow. I can’t say I envy you_

Regina: Yeah, well, I’m getting a new dress.

_You: True. Maybe I am jealous._

Regina: Yikes. Aunt Siobhan is yelling at a manager. I hate this.

_You: Have you picked out your dress yet?_

Regina: Yeah… I think I’m just gonna check out and hide in the car. I can’t handle this.

_You: Take care of yourself, kiddo. Just let my Mom know where you are._

Regina: Of course. Love you ttyl <333

 

 

“Bro, who are you texting?” Ransom asks.

“Your mom,” Will answers easily, sending another text to his cousin.

“Ooh! So it’s a girl!” Holster calls back, dutifully keeping his eyes on the road. “Chowder, what’s the contact name?”

Chowder leans over Will’s shoulder and before he can shut off his screen, Chowder announces, “Regina! And there’s a smiley face after it!”

“What the fuck, Chow?” Dex shoves him against the side of the car.

“Hey, no checking while driving!” Holster scolds. “Hey Chowder, wasn’t there a girl named Regina in your CS class?”

“Regina,” Will cuts in before this can get out of hand, “is my cousin and she’s better company than all of you!”

Nursey perks up from where he’s been brooding in the front seat like some kind of 18th century poet. “You’re texting Regina? Then she’s – doing better?”

Will blinks and replies guardedly. “Uh, yeah. Dude, when have I ever talked to you about her?”

Nursey turns around and glares at him. “Right after Easter break. Not that I’d expect you to remember.”

The whole car is quiet, like they don’t want to get involved in Will and Nursey’s bullshit. Will doesn’t blame them, _he_ doesn’t want to be involved in his and Nursey’s bullshit. Still, he _does_ remember the run he and Nursey took. They’d texted each other all Easter break, sending snapchats of each other’s families and pets and the shenanigans they got up to. When they returned to Samwell within a few minutes of each other, it had just made sense to help each other unpack. It had just made sense to go for a run to unwind. It had just made sense for Will to spill his guts to Nursey about how awful his Easter break had been and how much he’d missed Regina’s smiling face at the dinner table. It had just made sense to go back to Nursey’s dorm and exchange hand jobs and heated kisses.

Will plays with his phone case, pulling it apart and then snapping it back on. “No, I remember that. I just – anyway, yeah, she’s doing a lot better. I’m excited to see her.” Ransom, Holster and Chowder are valiantly trying to look disinterested so Will digs up the lie that Regina liked everyone to believe. “Regina’s eighteen, she was dealing with some high school woes this year but she’s better now.”

“Man, high school sucked.” Holster says, pulling into the park’s dirt parking lot.

“It was fun for me!” Chowder grins. “But I like Samwell a whole lot better.”

Will takes Chowder’s arm as he climbs out of the car, gripping tightly until he’s on solid ground. Ransom, Holster and Chowder unload the car and head towards the lake where Jack, Bitty, Shitty and Lardo are already scoping out a spot. The lake isn’t too crowded, there’s a couple families with small kids and a small group of young teenagers swimming. No one looks like hockey fans so the way Jack is guardedly scanning the area is a bit unnecessary.

Will plops himself down in the sand immediately and unstraps his boot. “Hey Chowder, will you help me walk into the water? Doctors say I can swim as long as there isn’t a big current.”

The water is soothing, he can float on his back and let the tide gently rock him to and fro. Chowder’s treading water next to him and chattering about his and Farmer’s plans for the rest of the summer. They sound like they’re going to have a stellar time in California and Will tells him so. Closer to the shore Holster and Lardo are chicken fighting with Shitty and Bitty while Ransom and Jack cheer them on. Nursey is reading on the beach, looking far too casual.

“Do you know what’s up Nurse’s ass?” Will asks.

Chowder frowns. “Maybe he slept badly last night?”

“We’re supposed to be having fun. He’s ruining it.”

“Are you mad at him for vacationing the wrong way?”

Will splashes water at Chowder. “Shut up. I’m serious. He’s been acting funny and giving off his‘I’m too chill to be bothered with any human being’ vibes which basically amounts to him telling the whole world to fuck off.”

Chowder shrugs, as much as he is able to while treading water. “You do know that you express worry as anger, right? You’re not really angry at Nursey, you’re worried about him.”

Dex looks away from Chowder, just stares up at the clear blue sky. “So?”

“So stop acting like a dick and talk to him about it.”

“Why can’t you? You’re nice! You can ask him what’s wrong.”

“I’ll check in with him later, I swear. I’m worried too, he’s been acting off since Easter break and I thought it was just end of year stress but–”

Will cuts him off. “Yep, end of year stress that’s probably all it is. He’s just adjusting to summer, that’s all. I’m not worried anymore.”

Chowder sighs heavily.

“Hey Chowder!” Jack calls from shore. “We’re going for a run, want to join?”

Chowder practically squeaks shout back. “Definitely just give me a second!” He turns to Will. “Hey do you mind if I go for a run? I can ask Lardo if she’ll swim with you, she doesn’t really like running.”

“Uh, sure, that’d be great! But if she doesn’t want to just shout for me to come back to shore.”

Chowder swims off and Dex relaxes again, using his arms to push him through the water. It’s the most physical he’s been since he hurt his ankle and his muscles are singing their gratitude at being stretched and used.

“Hey bro,” Nursey says, swimming towards him.

Will nearly swallows a mouthful of lake water. On the shore, Lardo has climbed onto Shitty’s back and is commanding him forward like a pack horse. Will looks at Nursey and scowls, mentally cursing Chowder.

“You didn’t want to go for a run with Jack?”

Nursey scoffs. “He works harder than god, I swear. He was talking about just because it’s off season he doesn’t have an excuse to slack off. I think he’s still sore about the Falconer’s season.”

“Why, because they didn’t win the Stanley? He had a good rookie year all things considered.”

“Yeah, maybe you should tell him that. Bitty would thank you.”

“Nah. I’ll pass.”

They float wordlessly, the only sound is the lapping water and the occasional shout of children laughing on the shore. Eventually Nursey breaks the silence.

“So, uh, I don’t want to pry but how is Regina? You said she was in rehab for, uh, for cutting?”

Dex mouth twists into a frown. He considers telling Nursey that he doesn’t want to talk about it, Nursey would respect that. But he kind of _does_ want to talk about it.

“That’s right. I'm not sure how long the cutting had been going n, I guess her step-mom thought she could take care of it at home. But Regina hated her therapist and it just got worse. She spends a lot of time at my house, right? And I guess my Mom found some pretty, uh, disturbing stuff on our computer. My Mom asked her about it and she admitted to having suicidal thoughts.So she was checked into this center and it was semi-consensual I think? She didn’t want to go but she knew it was necessary and her parents and my parents were just at the end of their rope, you know? We were all really scared.”

Nursey nods. He’s heard all of this before, but it feels good to recap, to look at the facts and the timeline and establish what they already know.

Will clears his throat and continues. “So we visited her around Easter and her therapist and caretakers were really positive. They thought she’d be released in a couple months.”

“What happened?”

“She found one of those metal nail files in the lost and found and took it.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry, man.”

“Yeah so, they kept her for a little longer. She’s back home now though, I’ll see her next week.”

“How are you feeling about all this?”

Will takes a shaky breath. “Proud? Mostly proud. But also really fucking scared. I have a lot of cousins, but Regina and I have always been close. She's like my sister. I don’t want her to get hurt again and I know I can’t protect her from herself but like, at least when she was in rehab I knew she was safe.”

“Mostly safe, she still found that nail file.”

“Wow thanks for reminding me.”

“No, I just mean,” Nursey waves his hand around, as though he can physically grasp the words he’s looking for. “She can get hurt anywhere. Keeping herself safe is something she needs to do herself. You can help her and I’m sure you’ve done tons to help her already, but you shouldn’t blame yourself or your family or, like, her being at home, for anything that happens.”

“Well, I’m not going to blame _her_!” Will protests because that seems like the only other option.

“Then blame her mental illness or blame nothing.”

Will doesn’t reply and Nursey seems to sense he needs quiet to process everything. After a few minutes Will nods towards the shore. “Race you back?”

Nursey offers him a head start on account of his ankle which he refuses with a cheerful, “fuck you.” Will pulls through the water, relying heavily on his arm strength, and manages to keep up with Nursey. As they get closer to the shore Nursey pulls ahead and Will grabs his ankle and pulls him backward. Nursey sputters and retaliates, pushing Will’s shoulder down to dunk him under the water. They wrestle until Dex feels sand under his calf. Nursey must notice too because he stands and declares himself the winner.

“It’s the first one to the shore, idiot!” Will tells him.

“Then I’ll just walk to the shore and leave you stranded here.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You grabbed my foot and that wasn’t fair either.”

“Fine, whatever, we tied, can you help me stand?”

Nursey extends a hand to Will, he looks up and sees the sun shining behind Nursey’s head, haloing his face and illuminating the water droplets in his hair, on his shoulder, skating down his chest.

Will coughs and lets Nursey help him back to their spot on the beach. He lays back on a towel and pointedly does not look as Nursey dries himself off.

“By the way.” Will tells him. “Thanks, for uh, talking to me about Gina. I really needed that.”

“No problem.” Nursey brings out his book again. It’s got a red truck on the front and has an unforgivably long title.

“I gotta say.” Will says, drying off his leg so he can strap it back into his boot. “I wasn’t expecting you to talk to me. I kind of thought you were mad at, like, everyone here.”

Nursey bites his lip. “Not everyone here, just you.”

“What?” Will sits up. “Why would you talk to me about Regina if you were mad at me? And why are you mad at me at all? I didn’t do anything.”

“Because I’m a good friend and you needed me. Because I’m an emotional masochist who can’t help himself when it comes to you?” Nursey’s voice is cold and biting. “And I’m not going to grace that second question with a response.”

“So you’re just going to stay mad at me for mysterious reasons?” Will knows he’s being snarky but if Nursey could just learn to be straightforward, he wouldn’t have to push his buttons.

“I can’t tell if you’re being cruel or stupid, Poindexter.” Nursey tosses his book to the side. “The last time you saw poetry was the last time you saw my face? Honestly? You really thought that wasn’t going to affect me?”

Will isn’t sure what his face does, but he can feel himself get a little bit lightheaded, like all the blood has drained from his head. He grasps at his bag clumsily, desperate to open his phone and check his sent messages.

Beside him, Nursey is still spluttering angrily. “Look, I get it. You’re not into me. But sending me a flirting text and then pretending like you haven’t is just mean. I might be chill but I have feelings, okay? And just because it was a dumb hook-up that _you_ obviously regret doesn’t mean that you can–”

“I didn’t mean to send that text,” Will interrupts him. He stares at his screen and feels a bit sick, the evidence is right there for him to see. “I was drunk last night, you saw me.”

“Then don’t text me when you’re drunk!” Nursey barks, squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck I can’t handle this. So you’re not a douchebag but you are when you’re drunk? That’s just wonderful. About how often do you expect to get drunk over summer break and torture me? Is this going to continue into junior year? You know, I’m just trying to get a feel for how often you’re going to stomp on my heart with fake love confessions or whatever.”

“It wasn’t a love confession!” And Will can feel his ears burn red. Flirty he can accept, maybe he was accidentally flirting but there was nothing about _love._ “I wrote it while I was sober, it saved as a draft and I sent it while drunk without actually meaning to. I never would have actually said that to you.”

“So you were going to flirt with me but chickened out?”

Will doesn’t say anything. The honest answer is yes but Will isn’t going to admit to that any time soon.

“Look, Dex, I get it. You were experimenting and now you’ve having a big gay freak out and-”

“You have no idea what I am or what I was doing!” Will snaps.

“You’re right, I don’t! Want to clarify for me?”

“Nope! Because it’s none of your business.”

“How you do or don’t feel about me is definitely my business! If you think otherwise then you’re an asshole!”

Will just shrugs. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, he’s never wanted to have this conversation. He hates Nursey for making him have this conversation.

“What are you scared of?” Nursey asks quietly. “I know – I know I’m a jerk sometimes, okay? But we’re friends and, and I liked kissing you and stuff. We could have worked something out or at least, like, talked about it. Why’d you shut me out?”

“I guess I’m an asshole.”

“But you’re not!” Nursey shouts.

The families dotting the beach are glaring at them. They’re causing a scene and Jack isn’t around to apologize for them. Will takes a deep breath and tries to get a grip. He’s been trying to get a grip on the Nursey thing for the past several months though and it hasn’t worked so he doesn’t have a lot of hope.

“I just don’t understand why you’re acting like this. You’re a good friend and a great teammate!” And Nursey isn’t letting this go. Will is staring out at the lake, focusing on the water lapping at the shore, but he can feel Nursey staring at his face. “You’re at Samwell for fuck’s sake, you know everyone here would be supportive. Is it your family? Are you afraid that they’ll reject you?”

Will grabs his crutches and stands up, he stumbles on the uneven ground and Nursey grabs his shoulder to steady him. Will shakes him off. “You really don’t know when to leave well enough alone, do you? I don’t want to talk about this. We slept together, once. And I told you I needed space and I never brought it up again. I drunk texted you and like, hurt your feelings or whatever. I’m sorry for that and it won’t happen again.”

“Dex, no shit, that’s not the point. I-”

Will interrupts. “I don’t want to talk about this and you should hate me. So just fuck off and go back to hating me like we did when we were freshman, fuck knows that’s better than whatever the hell this is. Goddamn it Nursey, leave me alone, I don’t want to be around you! Take a hint!”

Will begins to crutch towards the cars, Nursey follows him and he just needs to get to the car and, like, tell someone he’s feeling sleepy and they’ll give him a ride back to the house and he can take a shower and a nap and get a fucking grip on the panic that’s bubbling up in his throat, on the heat that bursting in his chest from when Nursey touched him and on the fucking embarrassing tears creating a lump in his throat. When he sees the car, everyone’s gathered near them. Ransom, Holster, Chowder, Bitty, Jack, Lardo and Shitty are tossing around a kickball and laughing and it’s just too many people and Will feels suddenly exhausted.

“Hey, Dex! What’s up?” Chowder smiles at him widely. “Why is Nursey just standing there like he found Lardo’s porn folder?”

It’s a joke, a Haus Meme as Holster dubbed their inside jokes. Will ignores it.

“Hey, man, I’m like super tired.”

Chowder brightens, always ready to help out. “You wanna take a nap on the beach? The sand is really soft and the sound of the water is great. I can sit with you.”

“I- I actually want to a bed, like do you think we can head back early?”

Chowder looks over Will’s shoulder again and his expression tightens, Will resists the urge to turn around and see what Nursey’s doing.

“Um, yeah. I’ll ask Holster for the van’s keys.”

Will nods and gets in the van, Chowder is discussing the logistics of everything with Jack and Bitty, deciding whether or not anyone else should ride back with them. Will tunes it all out and leans the front seat back and closes his eyes. When Chowder starts up the car he pats Will’s shoulder lightly. “When the rest of them want to come home, I’ll just drive back to them up. It’s not that far.”

“Nothing is in Rhode Island.” Will quips, he’s pleased to see Chowder smile at that.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. Just drained.”

Chowder doesn’t seem to believe him but they drive back to the beach house in silence, Chowder doesn’t even touch the radio and Will is grateful. Will doesn’t think he could handle the chance that some sad love song would start playing. When they get back to the rental, Chowder refuses to help him unfold the couch.

“Dude, sleep in my bed.” Chowder insists. “You said you wanted a bed so you’ll get one and this way if they come back before you’re done resting they won’t bother you.”

Chowder goes a bit overboard, he changes the sheets on his bed and fiddles with the air conditioning even though Shitty had threatened to flay anyone who did, he gets Dex and two extra pillows to elevate his foot.

“There. Now you can get some sleep.” Chowder turns off the light.

“I had sex with Nursey.”

Chowder turns the light back on. “Please tell me you didn’t have sex on the beach, there were _children_ there.”

Will’s eyes widen, incredulous. “Chow, what the fuck, no! We had sex months ago! Right after Easter break actually.”

“Oh.” Chowder nods solemnly. “I see. So what’s going on? Were you two secretly dating like Bitty and Jack?”

Will shakes his head. “We didn’t really do anything about it but, uh, it came up today and we kinda fought about it.”

Chowder’s leaning against the door jamb looking concerned but completely unsurprised. It’s a relief but it’s also kind of rude. Like, Will is freaking out, can’t someone freak out with him? “What was the fight about?”

Will sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “He wanted to talk about things. I think I hurt his feelings.”

“You don’t want to talk about it with him?”

“I don’t want to talk about it at all.”

“You’re talking about it with me.”

“Well fucking touché, I guess.”

Chowder sits on Lardo’s bed and looks at him.

“Dex, I don’t want to pressure you but Nurse is your friend, you know he is. If you two don’t talk about this it could ruin your friendship. Do you really want that?”

“I can find a new D-man to pair up with. This batch of Frogs should have a few choice options since Ransom and Holster are leaving.”

“This isn’t about hockey and you know it.” Chowder admonishes. “You two are my best friends. I’m not gonna pick sides or anything but I will listen to you, if you need to talk.”

Will shakes his head. “I just need to sleep.”

“You know it’s not really a good idea to keep things all bottled up. It’s not healthy to avoid your feelings and hope they go away.”

“I can handle this Chowder.” Will’s voice cracks at the end of his sentence and his face crumples at the failure. He can handle this, he has to.

“Okay. But I’m here for you, we all are.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Chowder leaves and shuts off the light again. When Will finally manages to fall asleep his dreams are a messy swirl of memories. His insecurities rear their ugly heads as wolves that tear each other apart. The pieces are shards of glass that reflect his childhood fears then come together to create a towering figure in black, casting a shadow over everything. He’ll never really be free from it will he?

He wakes up screaming which is really just par for the course. He brings out his phone and opens up the app that will help him measure his breathing and plays some calming music. He’s safe, he’s real and he’s going to get up and have a good evening with his friends.

When he finally exits Chowder and Lardo’s bedroom, the light stings his eyes and the noise from the kitchen is a bit intimidating but he fortifies himself and goes anyway.

“Dex, bro! We saved some chicken and rice for you.” Holster kicks at a chair, offering him the seat.

Will sits and tucks into the meal. It’s good, the chicken and rice are well seasoned and there’s a salad. There’s also a half-eaten pie on the table, it looks like blueberry or maybe blackberry. He’s still feeling shaky so he lets the others talk around him. Jack is chirping Bitty like there’s no tomorrow and Shitty is hanging on every word Lardo says. A thick, warm, salty breeze wafts from the open windows and underneath his friends’ laughter he can hear crickets and frogs and the world settling in for the evening. The whole environment is warm and friendly. It reminds Dex of late Sunday mornings as a kid, when after Mass ended he and his siblings would run around in the Church lawn with the other children. One of the elderly ladies at the parish would always provide donuts, juice and coffee. Dex felt a sort of golden humming under his skin and he took a moment to identify it: he was content. Here, among all his friends, he was safe and accepted and appreciated and loved. He was content for the first time in a long while. Of course, it was soon after realizing that that he realized Nursey was nowhere to be seen, he felt his happiness crack a little.

 

_You: Where are you?_

**Derek: did u mean to send that?**

_You: Yes._

_You: I want to talk. Please tell me where you are_?

**Derek: the ocean**

 

 

Will doesn’t hesitate, he drops his empty dishes in the sink and heads outside. He feels filled and strong; strong enough to maybe be honest with Nursey. Because there are things he won’t admit, not ever, not even to himself. And there’s the risk of losing Nursey’s friendship.

The path to ocean ends in a few wooden stairs that let out onto the beach, Nursey is sitting on the last step and he has two bottles of beer next to him. He’s sipping a third.

“Are… are you drunk?” Will asks hesitantly, as much as they need to talk, he’ll wait if it means talking to a sober Nursey.

Nursey scoffs. “Please, I can’t get drunk on one beer. Here you want this one?”

Dex accepts the offered drink, Nurse is right, one beer won’t hurt – it’ll probably help.

“What are you going out here, Dexy?”

“I’m here to apologize.”

“Do you even know why? Or are you just trying to make Chowder happy? He told me that he talked to you.”

“Look, I really am sorry. I’ve been a jerk and I’m so sorry.”

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say?”

“Say anything! You’re sorry for hurting me but you still don’t want to talk about things. I’m not an idiot, Dex. I know you have feelings for me and I think I have feelings for you too but you’re avoiding me and yeah it hurts me, but I think it’s hurting you too.”

Nursey sounds concerned and sympathetic; Will wishes that he sounded angry.

“I’m a fuck up.” Will shrugs and takes a drink. “I didn’t mean to drag you into my weird closeted bullshit. So it’s probably just best if we forget it happened and-”

“That’s not good enough!” Nursey pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Look, I don’t want to yell at you again. But I don’t want to continue like we have been either. Ignoring it hasn’t worked.”

“What do you want, Nursey? Do you want to be my boyfriend, take me out on dates and hold hands on the bus and visit each other’s families over break? Because I can’t give that to you, okay? I can’t. So just move on.”

“That’s what you came out here to tell me? To move on? Dex, I’ve written thirteen good poems in my life. Only thirteen poems that I’d consider publishing or reciting. And six of them are about you. Two of them are about you but, like, also about the whole hockey team and found families and like, it doesn’t matter. You are the subject of my greatest works of art.” And that’s – that’s shocking. Will doesn’t know what to say to any of that. He never asked Nursey to write him poems, he never asked for any of this. “You just want me to give up on you because you think you’re fucked up? I can’t accept that.”

“Know, not think.” Will corrects. “I _know_ I’m fucked up. Look, when are you coming out?”

Nursey blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Just answer the question. You know you’re not going to stay in the closet forever, so when do you think you’ll start telling people.”

“I guess I just figured I’d tell them when it became relevant. I don’t really like the idea of coming out, it’d just be chiller if I was just like ‘oh by the way I started dating this person and he’s a dude.’”

Will nods. “See, you’ve got a plan. I’m not coming out. Ever. Because I don’t want to. My family is going through enough with Regina and my Mom’s parents are total assholes. I think my parents would get over my being gay eventually but my grandparents never would. Not to mention my uncles and how no one in my family can mind their own fucking business. They’d all take sides and use me to create drama between themselves. And my parents are active at our Church, I’d disgrace them! And everyone would talk about me. And look, I already police myself so people think I’m straight, if _I_ got a boyfriend, I’d be scared every time we went out and I’d have to watch what I’d say at work and we’d have to research laws and scope out landlords before we moved into a place and I don’t want any of that. I like men and that’s fine. But I don’t want to be gay. I’m not an activist, I’m not even liberal really and who ever heard of a gay man who was a moderate?”

“You’re talking about stereotypes, Dex. You’re gay, that shouldn’t really let that dictate your political beliefs. And yeah, it’s hard but gay people are happy. Bitty and Jack are going to be happy. Neil Patrick Harris and his husband and Portia and Ellen and… you know there are happy gay people.”

“I don’t want to be gay!” Dex repeats. “I don’t want any of it, not the Pride Marches or the special section in the library or the rumors about which boys I fucked in high school or the hipster neighborhood with yoga studios. I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to fight for my freedoms and my rights. I don’t want-”

“What do you want?” Nursey interrupts.

That catches Will off guard. He takes a sip of beer, then another. What does he want? “I want to grow my hair out.”

Nursey grins. “Yeah? How long?”

“Past my shoulders. Long enough to braid.”

“Bro, you’d look gorgeous.”

Will feels his face heating and he shakes it away, shakes away the thought that he could ever have something so nice. “I’d look _gay_.”

Nursey rubs his chin, when he speaks, it’s barely above a whisper. “You’re not fucked up. This world is fucked up. Straight people, they can get together and break up without worrying about scandalizing the neighbors or estranging family or being shot or laid off or evicted. Like, okay, some straight people do for various reasons. But… Dexy, it sounds to me like… you _do_ want to be gay. You just don’t want to be oppressed. Which is a very normal reaction. It sucks but it doesn’t mean you give up on who you are. I’ve got your back and so does everyone in that house, we support you.”

And that, that makes him think. He doesn’t reply, he just finishes off his beer and leans back on his hands, staring out at the ocean. The sun is sinking low, setting the sky aflame with pinks and yellows and dark blues. Nursey doesn’t move, he doesn’t leave, and Will is grateful for that.

“Okay, but like, beyond not wanting to be oppressed or whatever. I see a cute boy and I don’t think ‘wow I wanna make out with him.’ I think ‘run as fast as you can.’ I… I shut people out.” Will swallows. “I shut you out.”

“Everyone has internalized bullshit they have to work through.”

Will laughs because it’s too true. And he’s already made a habit of spilling his guts to Derek Malik Nurse so what’s one more secret right? “You know, the first time I heard the word gay, I was eight. And it was because a pastor in our diocese was touching little boys. It- it was no one I was, like, friends with or anything. But I thought the word gay was synonymous with pedophile until the eighth grade. I like, conflated the terms in my head. If I was gay then I was all kinds of perverted and… yeah. Now, I know that being gay doesn’t make me a rapist or a pedophile or a violent sick fuck. But like – I can’t help but think – shit.”

Tears are running down his cheeks hot and fast and Nursey has his arms around him, holding him tight and close.

“It’s so stupid!” Will exclaims between gasps. “I know, like, logically that being gay is fine. And I don’t believe in Satan or hell or God. I don’t think I need to be fixed with therapy. I don’t believe any of the bullshit they taught me. But I feel so guilty and dirty. Nurse, you’re the most beautiful boy in the world and just looking at you makes me think that there’s hope for this fucked up world. But every time I think about what we did – I feel guilty and dirty and wrong and I don’t want to feel that way but I do. I’m a wreck, look at me I’m crying over this and I’m such a fuck up and you’re an idiot but you’re nice and you should really move on from me because I don’t even want to be gay. That’s what it came down to, I like boys and only boys and if I had a genie in a bottle I’d wish to be 100% heterosexual. I’m scared to be gay and that’s the truth. I am complete and utter garbage.”

Nursey holds him through tirade, rocks him back and forth humming softly. Will loves him for comforting him, for not running away even though Will has just told him how gross his brain is. Will’s teeth start to ache and despite Nursey’s calm and steady breath on his neck, his lungs start to contract oddly and his breaths start to come in heaves. Nursey pulls away and looks him in the eyes.

“Dex, hey Will, are you okay?”

Will nods and speaks in between gasps. “Hyper-ventil-ating - it - happ-ens.”

Nursey’s eyes bug out a bit. “Oh, okay, can I do something?”

“Space.” Will gasps and immediately Nursey pulls away, giving Will more access to fresh air.

He searches his pockets before realizing that he left his phone in the kitchen. “Count!” He tells Nurse. “Up to - three? Help - me - breathe?”

Nurse moves so that he’s kneeling in front of Will, eyes locked. He grips Will’s hands tightly and Will grips back. “Dex. Will. Breathe with me. One, two, three. Hold. Out, two, three. In, two, three. Hold. Out, two, three.”

Will breathes along with Nursey, until he can breathe without heaving to a count of four, then five. When his breathing is just marked by the occasional shudder, he smiles weakly.

“Thanks man, for like, everything.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I should get back to the house though. Hyperventilating takes a lot out of me, I should eat something.”

“And rest!” Nursey sounds like a mother hen but Will won’t chirp him for it.

“Okay. And look, I’m sorry for how I treated you after our hook-up. I should have found something to say to you earlier.”

“It’s alright man, and I’m sorry for kind of being a jerk today. I should have guessed that you… were going through some stuff.”

Will shrugs. It doesn’t really seem important now. He feels light and dazed and in sore need of a shower to clear his head. “Help me with my crutches?”

They walk back to the house in silence, Nursey walking close to help Will over some uneven ground. Right outside the house, Nursey touches his arm.

“Hey, Dex, before we go inside can I just tell you something?”

Will nods.

“It… it won’t last forever.” Nursey fixes his eyes on Will, determined but kind. Earlier this year, Dex and Chowder attended a poetry reading with Nursey and Nursey had performed one of Shakespeare’s love sonnets. He’s using the same tone of voice now, soft and sincere and loving. “I may not have been through what you’ve been through. But the self-hate? The internalized homophobia? It will go away. You can work at it and your feelings about who you are can change and get more positive. I want that for you, by the way. I – forget about us, alright? You’ve got your own stuff to worry about. I just want you to be happy with who you are because you’re an amazing guy, Dex. You really are.”

Will’s throat has dried up and he just nods, he can feel his ears burning and he should probably take a minute to calm down before he goes back inside but if he looks at Nursey for any longer, at how ethereal he looks in the dying light, he might implode.

Inside, everyone’s in the living room playing Cards Against Humanity again. Chowder catches his eye as he enters and smiles, showing off his braces. Will raids the kitchen, making himself a plate of pie and pb&j sandwiches and a glass of chocolate milk. He brings his snack into the living room and has Lardo deal him into the game. Nursey joins them too and the evening transitions quickly from brutally honest to hilariously honest. As Will grips his sides, shaking with laughter, the feeling of pure contentment from before seeps under his skin. He wants to live here. In this too small house, in this tiny corner of a tiny state, with all of his friends. He wants them all to stop their lives and just stay here, forever, reveling in happiness.

 

You: Are you awake?

**Derek: ye**

_You: Can I ask a favor? I don’t want to sleep yet because of nightmares. Will you come out here and just talk to me for a little bit?_

_You: Not about anything important. Can we just talk?_

**Derek: ofc**

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient, friends. This summer has not been easy on me. Good thing I have these damn hockey boys to keep me going, right?

It’s raining. Nursey’s hoodie is draped across the wing-backed chair where he’d sat and talked with Will long into the night. They had talked about hockey and what classes they want to take in September and how oddly the home owners had chosen to decorate the house. Will doesn’t remember falling asleep.

Over breakfast, there’s a long discussion about what to do since it’s raining. Bitty’s got the website for the local movie theater open on his phone and Jack keeps asking if they can go to the gym because it was pouring too hard for him to have a proper run this morning.

In the end they decide to drive to Newport. Apparently Rhode Island used to a prime spot for the wealthy to build summer homes back in the 1800s and a lot of them are open for tours. They hunt down every umbrella in the house and head out for a day “absorbing history and culture,” as Shitty puts it.

The mansions are definitely cool, but it’s kind of mindboggling to imagine anyone ever had enough money to create such a lavish home and still only live in it for part of the year. Lardo keeps making snarky remarks and that’s even more entertaining than what the tour guides are saying. They have lunch at a small café that fortunately has a table large enough for eight medium-to-large sized men and one tiny girl. Jack is wearing a plain black baseball cap and keeps his head down but it’s almost surprising how no one seems to look twice at him. Back at Samwell it was a somewhat regular occurrence for someone to hesitantly (or not so hesitantly) approach their circle and ask invasive questions.

Still, Will notices the way Jack will fix Bitty with a look and the way his hand will twitch has if he wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand. But they don’t. They laugh and chirp and even flirt but they keep a careful distance. It makes Will’s stomach churn.

They spend the rest of the rainy day marathoning movies and eating the pies Bitty and Jack seem to be endlessly producing from the kitchen. Will is startled when Bitty announces he’s going to bed early, kisses Jack and leaves. Will’s surprised to see the time is creeping towards midnight, he thinks back and realizes that Nursey has been suspiciously quiet all day. Nursey has been friendly and nothing more, not flirtatious or annoying; he hasn’t even touched him. The whole thing makes Will feel odd.

Jack interrupts his introspection. “Hey, so I’m thinking that on Thursday, I’m gonna take Bitty out for breakfast and we probably won’t be back until late at night. You’ll all be fine with just the van for the day, eh?

“What, are you planning on kidnapping him?” Shitty asks.

Jack’s cheeks redden slightly. “Pretty much.”

“Ugh. Gay.” Lardo chuckles. “Seriously, Jack, take your boyfriend out for the day. We’ll be fine.”

Jack gets a little smile on his face and heads back to his bedroom.

“I think I’m gonna head to bed too.” Chowder says and Ransom and Holster agree and line up near the bathroom. Lardo leans over the arm of her chair to whisper something in Shitty’s ear.

Shitty’s eyes go wide and he stands abruptly. “See ya, bros. We’re, uh, going for a walk.”

Lardo leaves the room, sashaying like she knows the secrets of the universe and Shitty follows after like a smitten disciple.

Nursey catches Will’s eye. “Want to play some Mario Kart on mute until you feel like sleeping?”

It’s discrete, but Will can tell Nursey is worried about his nightmares. It’s sweet if unnecessary.

Will shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

Nursey just shrugs and pulls one of the couch blankets overtop of himself. “Well I’m not tired yet, so if you’re not sleeping I might as well stick around and annoy you.”

Will rolls his eyes. “Fine, at least help me get my bed set up.”

After they get the couch unfolded and the pillows set up, Nursey flops down on the bed and reaches around the back of the couch to grab his book, it’s one he was reading at the lake the day before. Will thinks for a minute, before removing his boot and sitting on the floor to do the stretches the doctor prescribed.

“What are you reading?” He asks eventually, the silence between him and Nurse was becoming too comfortable – almost domestic.

“You never heard of it?” Nursey sounds surprised. “It’s called ‘Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe.’ It’s about two Mexican-American boys in Texas in the late 80s who become friends and end up falling in love. It’s really good. I love the style of writing it’s almost poetic. And it’s a gay book with a happy ending so that’s always a miracle.”

“So you’ve read it before?”

“Oh yeah, I just wanted something nice to read on vacation. Familiar and all that, this is my fourth reread.”

“Four times? It must be pretty good. Will you read it to me?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh okay.” Nursey turns some pages. “Um, so at this point Ari – that’s what everyone calls Aristotle – doesn’t, like, know he likes boys. And Dante is living in Chicago for the school year because of his Dad’s job.”

Will continues his stretches as Nursey reads aloud. He’s right, the book does almost sound like poetry. The way Nursey reads it, it sounds almost like a song. His voice is deep and steady and listening to him speak without stopping and without promptings is a little dizzying, like stepping on land after an entire day on a boat.

When Will finishes his stretches he climbs into bed next to Nursey and flops down on his side, hugging his pillow and looking up at Nursey’s profile. There’s a small stitch between his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth are pulled tight. He’s completely focused on his task, as if there could be a wrong way for Derek Nurse to read a book. Will rolls his eyes at the thought.

It’s a little difficult to keep up with the story since Nursey is already halfway through but there a lot of parts that should probably be emblazoned on posters with mountains on them and hung in the hallways of middle schools across the country. They won’t be, of course, Nursey already said this book was about gay kids. Gay kids don’t get quoted. Still, there’s one passage that Will likes so much he asks Nursey for the book and copies it into the notes on his phone.

 

* * *

 “Chowder! You’re in charge, make sure those two goons don’t kill each other.” Shitty declares as he mournfully pulls on a pair of pants. “I’m trusting you brah.”

Nursey starts to protest and Will flips Shitty the bird but Chowder just shrugs. “We’ll just do a Harry Potter marathon.”

As Jack had warned, he stole Bitty away in the early hours of Thursday and left them with only one car. Will was happy to stay home, his ankle was aching and he wanted to keep it elevated for a day and Chowder and Nursey insisted on keeping him company.

“Adam!” Ransom calls up to the loft. “The Frogs are doing a Harry Potter marathon, are you sure you don’t want to stay home with them?”

Holster’s pops his head over the edge of the loft and looks down, his eyebrows scrunched together. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“You like Harry Potter.” Ransom replies.

“I thought we were going to check out that roller rink, like, as bros!”

Holster sounds hurt and Ransom just looks up at him helplessly.

“Come on nerds,” Lardo gets all of their attention just by entering the room. “Let’s just go, otherwise we won’t have time to do anything. Ransom and Holster, get your asses in gear.”

She leaves, keys to the party van in hand, and Shitty, Holster and Ransom troop after her in varying states of happiness or displeasure.

Will narrows his eyes and shifts on the couch, getting comfy while Nursey sets up the Sorcerer’s Stone.

“Are they okay?” Will asks. “Things seem kind of… tense there.”

“I mean; I’m still waiting for them to start dating.” Nursey says. “Can I say that? Is that okay? Like, I don’t want to talk about anyone behind their backs but I always thought they were into each other.”

“No they’re definitely into each other.” Chowder says, but his tone of voice seems to imply that he’s making an inside joke. And he’s smiling to himself the way he does when he makes a particularly vicious chirp.

“Wait, are we talking about Lardo and Shitty or Ransom and Holster?” He asks.

“Does it matter? You know it’s true.” Chowder replies. “I’m going to go make popcorn.”

“I’ll get us beer.” Nursey volunteers.

“Wait! Don’t leave me alone with a repeating DVD screen!” Will protests but they don’t listen. The Harry Potter theme song plays in the background, filling the room with nostalgia, but even childhood memories can’t chase out the distinct feeling that Will is missing something important.

When Chowder and Nursey reenter the room, armed with snacks and drinks, they sit on either side of Will . The couch is squishy so they end up both leaning on Will, creating a small cuddle pile. The feeling of his two best friends on either side makes Dex breathe easier. As much as he misses his family, he doesn’t want this week to end. He doesn’t want Nursey going back to New York City or Chowder leaving for California.

“It seems like graduation made things weird for them. All of them.” Will comments. “We’re not going to be like that, are we?”

“Not if we figure out all our shit before the end of senior year.” Chowder comments. Will looks up at him and his eyes flash a little dangerously, like they do when he’s on the ice. Then he smiles widely and the moment is gone. “But hey, we’re best friends. We’ll be fine.”

“Oh look! It’s baby Daniel Radcliffe, he’s so tiny, I can’t believe it!” Nursey exclaims and then they’re all too wrapped up in Hogwarts to have a real conversation.

_You: Hey, any news on that position at the hardware store?_

Alan Poindexter: Yeah! I mean, you’re a hockey player, I know you can lift 50 lbs. so the job’s basically yours

_You: Dude, no. The whole reason I can’t work with your Dad on the boat is because I got injured. I’m on crutches._

_You:You said something about working the cash register?_

Alan: Oh sorry about that. No we don’t have any sales positions open. 

Alan: We generally give those jobs to girls anyway 

_You: Thanks man_

 

“Fucking, fuck shits.” Will swears at his phone.

They’ve moved on to Chamber of Secrets and on the television, Fawkes is crying over Harry’s wounds. Nursey was asleep, snoring lights, his beautiful face pressed against Will's bicep.

At Will's exclamation, he wakes up and rubs his eyes. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Will replies bitterly. “Another job fell through. Fuck.”

“I thought you worked on your Uncle’s lobster boat.” Chowder asks.

Will points at his ankle. “I can’t with that!”

“There are no, like, office jobs at the docks?” Chowder asks.

Will resists the urge to snort. Chowder’s just trying to be helpful. “No. I applied to a couple different places but not even the grocery store is hiring. I asked my cousin for a spot at his hardware store but he said he couldn’t help me. Fuck.”

A summer job isn’t a choice for Will, not really, it’s a necessity. He’s at Samwell on scholarship and he’s getting financial aid too but hockey equipment is expensive and he needed spending money to get food on roadies and to seem like a normal human being who could afford to go to the occasional movie or donate to the pie fund. Not to mention, his parents hadn’t had a dishwasher for eight months so he was hoping to help out with that effort as well.

“Are you… will you be able to find something else?” Nursey asks.

“I’ve looked everywhere!” Will snaps, sitting up and shaking Chowder and Nursey off him. “You don’t think I’ve thought of everything? Because I have!”

Nursey doesn’t tell Will to chill, he doesn’t tell him anything. Will waits a bit and lets out a sigh.

“Sorry for snapping. I’m just really upset about this. I’ll figure something out later.”

“Are you sure?” Nursey asks. “We can finish watching the movie later.”

Will shakes his head. “Nah, there’s nothing to be done about it now. I’ll call my parents later, see if we can figure out a plan. The movie’s a good distraction.”

He settles back into the couch and slowly Chowder and Nursey lean back into him, their weight is a calming presence and Will has to close his eyes and take deep breaths to hold back tears. He’s such a wimp, he’s cried more in this week than he has in a long time.

“We’ll figure something out.” Nursey says softly, his words like a promise and his mouth brushing up against Dex’s ear. Warmth rushes down Dex’s spine and he can feel himself blush. Fortunately, no one says anything.

When Lardo, Shitty, Ransom and Holster get home and they decide to order pizza because it’s probably going to be the one night without Jack and his strict NHL diet plan to take into consideration. Once everyone’s got a slice and a beer, Shitty stands up and clears his throat.

“Alright listen up bros. You’re all good people and I’ve trained you well but I’m calling on you to reach to the very deepest springs in your hearts and minds as I let a certain member of our number take the floor.”

Lardo is looking at him with a mix of amusement and disapproval. “Shits, sit the fuck down, I’m not making any life changing announcements right now.”

“But!” Shitty protests. “But you said-”

“I don’t want to say it more than once, I’m waiting until Jack and Bitty get home.”

“Uh, you might have to wait until tomorrow morning.” Dex warns her.

Lardo just shrugs and takes a long drink of beer. “Go about your business, boys. It’s no big deal. Shitty’s just being a drama queen.”

They’re having a Mario Kart tournament in the living room when Jack and Bitty walk through the doors, both carrying several shopping bags.

Ransom and Holster immediately begin chirping them.

“Ah, now it all makes sense.” Holster says. “Bitty bakes any pie Jack wants and Jack repays him with shopping sprees.”

Ransom chuckles. “Yeah, he’s probably not repaying Bitty for his _pies._ ”

“Justin, I’m not sure what you’re implying. Jack just loves Bitty’s cherry pies and cream-”

“Y’all’re terrible.” Bitty interrupts them, taking Jack’s shopping bags from him and sashaying in front of the TV on his way back to the master bedroom. Ransom groans as his Yoshi falls off the track.

“My favorite is apple pie.” Jack says blandly. “The kind with maple sugar.”

“Right.” Lardo says, dragging the word out just a little too long. “Call your boyfriend back in here, okay? I got something to say.”

“Want us to turn off Mario Kart?” Shitty asks.

Lardo shrugs. She’s sitting a little bit too upright, biting her lip and snapping a hair elastic against her wrist. Will offers her another beer and she accepts, smiling tightly.

“Lards. You doing okay?” Bitty’s got his Concerned Mom face on and sits down right next to her.

Lardo nods. “Yeah, I said it earlier, it’s no big deal, just like, getting everyone caught up. So I’ve been thinking for a while and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a girl.”

Ransom’s Yoshi falls off the track again which may or may not be coincidence. He, Ransom, Chowder and Nursey all make less than subtle attempts to stay focused on Mario, trying to create as natural an atmosphere as possible. For his part, Will just plays with his phone case, snapping it on and off.

“I’m really glad for you.” Jack says and squeezes Lardo’s shoulder. “Gender is hard. Want to share more or just leave it there?”

“Thanks, Jack. Well, I know I’m not a boy.” She says firmly. “But, yeah, I’ve just kind of realized I’m not really a girl either. So I’m kind of going between the labels non-binary and genderqueer. I like both of those. And I really like the name Lardo, that’s not changing. But like, please don’t use my birth name. Ever.”

“Do you have any other names?” Chowder asks. “How do you feel about pronouns?”

“No other names and I like they/them for now. Like, obviously you’re gonna mess them up. I know that, but I like they/them better so I’d appreciate if, like, you know.”

“Of course.” Bitty replies looking around the room with a fierce gaze on all of them, even though they’re all making noises of affirmation. Lardo is basically the most perfect person on earth, any one of them would die for her – no, them – in a heartbeat, changing pronouns is just courtesy.

Lardo’s lip begins to bleed and they swear and grab a tissue. Will isn’t sure he’s ever heard Lardo get flustered before. It sort of rattles him. They’re always so put together, so unaffected. But he guesses coming out is hard on everyone. He’s not sure if he really gets what Lardo is saying, about not being a girl or a boy. But he’s familiar with the term non-binary, one of his and Chowder’s CS classmates was non-binary too, but xe looked and acted _nothing_ like Lardo.

“What does it feel like?” Will asks. “I mean, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but, you’re not a girl but you’re not a boy. What does that even feel like?”

“I mean, it’s different for every non-binary person.” Lardo replies. “I just feel like me, I think. And me doesn’t match up with what I see as being a woman or a man. And I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. It just feels… free.”

They chuckle and slide off the couch and grab Holster’s controller. He gives it up easily. “How’s that for cheesy and cliché? My gender is freedom. It sounds like a slam poetry piece or an obnoxious America meme.”

“Hey don’t bash slam poetry.” Nursey shoves them slightly. “I’m gonna beat your ass at Mario for that.”

“Oh please, Nurse” they reply “I will enjoy watching you try.”

Maybe it is cliché and cheesy like Lardo said, and maybe it’s going to take Will sometime to understand it, but ‘ _my gender is freedom,’_ is also kind of beautiful.

 

* * *

 

Nursey actually wakes up early enough to interrupt brunch when he climbs on a stool and shouts, “I have an announcement.”

Lardo and Shitty, who were still smoking on the front porch when Will had gone to sleep last night, are both glaring at him.

“Brah.” Shitty says. “This family has had enough announcements, shut the fuck up.”

Nursey rolls his eyes. “Exactly. I’ve been inspired. When I get home, I’m going to come out to my parents.”

Will, who was pretending to ignore Nursey in favor of reading the back of a juice carton, looks up immediately.

“Um… as what?” Bitty asks slowly.

“As pansexual.” Nursey says, as though it should be obvious.

Chowder offers Nursey a fist bump. “Twins!”

“Proud of you.” Jack says and somehow, he sounds exactly like an approving Father.

Nursey looks at them all a little crestfallen. “Did you all seriously not know I was pan?”

“Well we kind of put it together you weren’t straight.” Ransom says.

“Yeah, you had that fling with Julio from the swim team.” Holster adds. “But we figured you didn’t like labels.”

“I don’t.” Nursey pauses. “Didn’t. Only the need to know people need to know, you know?”

“Nursey, it’s not even ten in the morning, you’re making no sense.” Will says flatly. “What’s this about?”

He wants to say, ‘ _is this about me?’_ but that would be self-centered, right? And anyway, he’s not saying that in front of everyone.

“I was inspired.” Nursey repeats. “And like, I don’t want to advertise my orientation, but I don’t mind talking about it to the people who matter. Like my brother’s always known and now you all know and soon my parents will know.”

Will stabs at his eggs and tunes out the rest of the conversation. He shouldn’t overanalyze Nursey’s announcement. Coming out is a personal thing and it doesn’t have anything to do with him or him and Nursey or the fact that they hooked up once or the fact that he really, _really_ wants to kiss him again.

  

_You: If I was to take a risk, here would be the best place to do it right? Surrounded by friends who, like, love me unconditionally._

**Chris: We don’t “like” love you unconditionally. We love you unconditionally Dex. Why are texting at the table?**

_You: So I don’t chicken out? Verbal conversations are hard._

**Chris: True. And yeah, I mean this whole weekend has been about risk, right? Jack and Bitty, Lardo, Holster and Ransom and now Nursey.**

_You: Wait. What about Ransom and Holster???_

**Chris: Never mind. Back to the point: Nursey.**

_You: I really want to kiss him. Like, so much. I can’t imagine leaving this stupid beach house without just kissing him, just once_

**Chris: I think you should go for it!**

_You: I can’t date him though. I_ _s it wrong to kiss someone you’re not planning on dating?_

_You: Like, when the person is a friend and you’re 60% sure they have feelings for you? I don’t want to mess him up or me up. I just want to kiss him._

_You: T_ _his is dumb, forget about it. No kissing._

**Chris: Yes kissing!! Kissing is nice!**

**Chris: Also 60% ???? Really Dex??? Don’t be stupid you know it’s at least 99.999%**

_You: I don’t want to hurt him or me._

**Chris: Well I think you should go for it.**

**Chris: What will you regret more? Kissing him or not kissing him before being separated for the ENTIRE summer?**

**Chris: Do you want to be daydreaming about his lips for weeks on end and knowing that you missed a chance?? Do you want to know that pain?**

_You: you okay bro?_

**Chris: Sorry. I miss Cait. A lot. I know it’s only been a week, but still.**

**Chris: I started looking at engagement rings online last night.**

 

“What!” Will exclaims.

Chowder’s flushed bright red, he grabs his plate and drops it in the sink, making a beeline for the door.

“Christopher Chow! You can’t just text me that and then leave! Get your pretty face back here!”

“Uh…” Chowder looks around at the table of silent and curious hockey jocks and one gossipy artist. “You do your thing Dex and then we’ll talk about my thing. I’m going to skype my girlfriend in my room!”

Will just stares at his retreating back. His heart is a messy web of shock and desire and frustration and affection and contentment and dread. He isn’t sure _what_ to feel. He excuses himself from the table and walks down to the shore.

The ocean has always been calming to him. When he was little, he thought that if he stared long and hard enough at the horizon he'd be able to see the shores of Europe in the distance. Watching the waves roll and crash onto the sand was mesmerizing and filled him with content. It was almost amazing how often he'd felt that way this week: content. His worries were distant. His friends were close. 

His phone chimed with a message from his Dad.

 

Dad: Sorry, Will. Your Mom and I have asked around but there’s nothing

Dad: What about those places you applied for online?

_You: I was rejected without even an interview at all of them_

Dad: I’m sorry about that.

Dad: We’ll figure something out, don’t worry about it. Just focus on getting your ankle better.

_You: Thanks Dad, see you in a couple days._

Dad: See you

 

Will groans and resists the urge to fling his phone into the ocean. He isn’t sure what’s worse, the prospect of spending all summer cooped up in his parent’s house or the thought of making it through a school year without a summer’s worth of income to rely on.

“Hey, Dex!”

Will looks behind him and sees Nursey walking along the ocean path. He sits down next to him on the steps leading down the beach. Dex pushes away the memories of the last time they’d sat in this exact same spot; of when Dex had talked about how much he hated his gayness and cried like a baby.

“Hey Nursey, what’s up?”

“I found you a job.”

Will stares. “What?”

Nursey giggles. “Right, so, feel free to say no to this. But my cousin Mara is opening a Hair and Nail salon and her boyfriend works for a computer company or something. So she got all of these computers at a discount because they’re the older model. But her boyfriend’s company won’t install them because they’re too old so she’s sent an email around asking if anyone knew a freelance worker who could set them up with a network or something like that. And she also said she’s looking for a secretary person just until August because she wants to give her best friend the job but she’s, like, travelling until then. So yeah, I can send you the details if you’re interested.”

Nursey’s more animated than Will has ever seen him, he’s smiling wide and waving his arms around as he talks about people that Will has never met.

“And you could live with me all summer.” Nursey continues. “My parents won't be around a lot so they won't care and we have a guest room. Again, feel free to say no, I know this is kind of out of the blue and weird. But I thought of you and… yeah. Can you please say something? Your staring is kind of freaking me out a little bit.”

Will nods a little to himself, leans over and kisses Nursey. Nursey kisses him back immediately, hand coming up to cup his face gently. His lips are soft but Will pulls away before he can lose himself in them.

Nursey’s eyes are closed and he’s breathing a little quicker than normal and it suddenly strikes Will just how ridiculous he’s been.

“Yeah.” He says, breaking the silence. “Yeah send me your cousin’s email and I’ll, uh, get in touch with her. Are you sure your parents won’t mind me staying with you for a couple months?”

Nursey grins and opens his eyes. “It’ll be fine. I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Come here.”

Nursey pulls him back in for and Will happily goes. The kiss sends tingles down his spine and his mind feels like it’s melting away. Everything is Nursey, Nursey, Nursey: his mouth, his thumbs rubbing along his jawline, his smell and warm breath and Will pulls away again. Everything is so overwhelming and it’s making him nervous, he wants to run far away and run straight into Nursey. Will settles for leaning against him. He rests his head against Nursey’s shoulder and looks out at the waves crashing on the sand. Nursey links their hands together and squeezes hard, Will squeezes back.

“I don’t- I don’t want to have a secret relationship.” Will says. “I can’t do that.”

Nursey scoffs. “Me either. That sounds insane.”

“But I’m not sure about… anything else. I just, I don’t know.” Will sounds whiny even to his own ears. He wants Nursey but he doesn’t any of the bad that might go along with coming out and dating a boy. He wants Nursey to overwhelm him but he doesn’t want to feel scared. He wants everything and nothing at all.

“We don’t have to figure everything out right now.” Nursey shrugs, jostling Will’s head. “We can just…”

“Chill?” Will fills in, grinning up at Nursey.

“Yeah, let’s chill.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Leave a review? I'm at queerxtonks.tumblr.com if you want to chat


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